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Corrigé mon anglais

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Le 24-11-2007 à 17:59 #


Salut à tous,

Voilà, j'ai fini de faire un devoir mais je voudrais savoir si dans ce devoirs il comporte beaucoup de fautes et pouvez-vous apr la même occasion les corrigés.
Merci, voici mon texte :

I came back home with a feeling of moroseness. My mother has seen that I was not well.
“Are you alright honey?” she asked me. She did some cookies, so she asked me:
“Do you want some cookies; I’ve done your favorites, with chocolates’ nuggets!”
“No. Thank you mum. I go up in my room.” I answered.
I went up in my room and lied down on my bed. I watched the roof and thought about Allison’s purposes. I always thought that she was a nice girl, very polished with everybody. I was wrong.
Then, my mum called me to have dinner. I got up and took down stairs, step by step. I did not want to eat; my throat was very dry, even if I drank some water. While the dinner, my mum asked me:
“Do you want to go shopping tomorrow? I’ve seen a beautiful dress for you. As you were really nice this week, I’ll buy it to you.”
“Really? Thank you very much for your kindness!” I replied.
I knew why she did that, she has seen that I was not well for this afternoon. She wanted to corrupt me.

The night fell, I went to bed. Morpheus wrapped me in her arms. I dreamt about the scene that I assisted between Allison and the black girl. I was this latter. Allison attacked me with her purposes. Her sight was full of hate. I felt so bad. I woke up with a start to me. After this nightmare, I knew what she felt. I should have taken her part.

The next day, my mom and I went to do shopping. My dad has taken the car so as to go to work and we had to take the bus in order to go to the shop.
Because of the segregation, in the bus, black people had to sit down in the bottom of the bus. I was bothered. Suddenly, I saw the black new girl. I smiled, and then she smiled back. I stared her, I took my courage and I got ahead on her. I held out my hand:
“Hello, I’m Jessica. What’s your name?” I asked.
She was astonished, by the fact that a white girl came to a bottom of a bus. She scared, she did not how to answer.
“Hi …. Hi, I’m Sarah.” She answered me.
“Nice to meet you, Sarah! Where are you come from?”
“I lived in Florida.”
Our conversation continued until I had to come down. Once, I came down, my mum took my hand! She looked in my eyes, and said:
“I’m very proud of you honey! It was a big step for the future”, she told me with eyes filled of tears.


Merci encore.

Le 24-11-2007 à 18:02 #

Je suis vraiment désolé mais je suis trop nul en Anglais désolé !

Le 24-11-2007 à 18:07 #

Je pense que tout est bon , sauf que tu devrais utiliser le style indirect avec une amorce .

Au lieu de mettre I Answered tu devrais lancé une amorce du genre :

She answers , she wants to know , she asks .

Le 24-11-2007 à 18:38 #

Salut bittman,

En effet, ce serait mieux ! D'accord merci ++

Le 24-11-2007 à 19:14 #

Salut



I came back home with a feeling of moroseness. My mother has seen that I was not well.
“Are you alright honey?” she asked me. She had made some cookies, so she added :
“Do you want some cookies; I’ve done your favorites, with chocolates’ nuggets!”
“No. Thank you mum. I go up in my room.” I answered.
I went up in my room and lied down on my bed. I watched the roof and thought about Allison’s purposes. I always thought that she was a nice girl, very polished with everybody. I was wrong.
Then, my mum called me to have dinner. I got up and took down stairs, step by step (forcément en descendant les escaliers, je trouve ça redondant). I did not want to eat; my throat was very dry, even if I would have drunk some water. While the dinner, my mum asked me:
“Do you want to go shopping tomorrow? I’ve seen a beautiful dress for you. As you were really nice this week, I’ll buy it for you.”
“Really? Thank you very much for your kindness!” I replied.
I knew why she did that, she has seen that I was not well for the afternoon. She wanted to corrupt (corrupt ? sounds weird to me!!) me.

The night fell, I went to bed. Morpheus wrapped me in her arms. I dreamt about the scene that I assisted between Allison and the black girl. I was this latter. Allison attacked me with her purposes. Her sight was full of hate. I felt so bad. I woke up with a start to me (with a start to me ? je ne sais pas si c'est moi, mais je ne comprends pas...). After this nightmare, I knew what she felt. I should have taken her part.

The next day, my mom and I went to do shopping. My dad has taken the car so as ("so as" je pense ici inutile) to go to work and we had to take the bus in order to go to the shop.
Because of the segregation, in the bus, black people had to sit down in the bottom of the bus. I was bothered. Suddenly, I saw the black new girl. I smiled, and then she smiled back. I stared her, I took my courage and I got ahead on her. I held out my hand:
“Hello, I’m Jessica. What’s your name?” I asked.
She was astonished, by the fact that a white girl came to the bottom of a bus. She was scared, she did not what to answer.
“Hi …. Hi, I’m Sarah.” She answered me.
“Nice to meet you, Sarah! Where do you come from?”
“I live in Florida.”
Our conversation continued until I had to come down. Once, I came down, my mum took my hand! She looked in my eyes, and said:
“I’m very proud of you honey! It was a big step for the future”, she told me with eyes filled of tears.


Ce n'est que des propositions mais je pense certaines sont intéressantes...


Selodem merci pour l'inutilité de ton poste, tu n'y es pas forcé...


Jib'

Le 24-11-2007 à 20:13 #

Arg, je fais des fautes si idiotes ! Sinon, pour le "step by step", j'ai utilisé ça, parce que je veux donner au personnage un sentiment de routine... Je crois que je vais le garder ;)

"I woke up with a start to me" : Je voulais dire se réveiller sursaut, j'ai cherché ceci sur internet et j'ai trouvé ça !

"Corrupt" je voulais essayé de dire, m'acheter, dans le sens de corrumpre !

Merci Jibun



[ Ce message a été modifié par : : Ox6GN le 24-11-2007 20:16 ]

Le 24-11-2007 à 21:07 #

Then, my mum called me to have dinner. I got up and took down stairs, step by step

And then, like yesterday, my mum called me to have dinner. As usual I got up and took down the stairs, step by step like everyday (où un truc dans le genre)

I woke up with a start. (to me est inutile)

corrompre ok, mais cela mérite peut être une petite explication au niveau du texte : quel en est la raison ?

Le 24-11-2007 à 22:53 #

Oui, en effet ! C'est un sujet d'invention ! Je résume en quelque mot l'histoire ! C'est deux filles blanches qui se promène dans la rue mais il y a une fille noire qui veut jouer avec elles, mais Allison tenait des propos raciste ce qui a choqué le narrateur (une des filles blanche) et la jeune fille noire !

Pour la corruption, étant donné que la mère ne veut pas voir sa fille malheureuse, elle décide de lui acheter quelque chose pour lui remonter le moral, mais la fille prend ceci comme de la corruption. Le fait d'acheter son bonheur en quelque sorte.

C'est un sujet d'invention, donc j'ai imaginé tout ceci. Les noms des personnages présents sont des noms donnés par moi-même.

Voilà, sinon merci pour ton aide précieuse.


[ Ce message a été modifié par : : Ox6GN le 24-11-2007 22:56 ]
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